You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.