If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away