Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I gave up going to work for lent.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I think this should do it.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.