bad
worse
worst
worchester
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.