me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
#Caturday
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.