wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
You Might Also Like
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*