Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works