Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
incredible
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office