On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I mean…but I did
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
what?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am