me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
You Might Also Like
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.