Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.