Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Why soy sad?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.