I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.