Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.