Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You Might Also Like
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?