It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
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Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
How I like cutting carbs
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
i love modern commerce
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick