Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.