You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
kevin is now a local weatherman
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Growing out my freckles.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving