I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You Might Also Like
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |