I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man