[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!