Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing