Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
no their not
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
life finds a way
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK