DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere