Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3