Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She鈥檇 been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn鈥檛 know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
self-esteem鈥檚 so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
mmm onion ringos
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 馃檪
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
It鈥檚 all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it鈥檚 not what it looks like.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick鈥檚 pregnant.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*