“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
You Might Also Like
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
what
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae