My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?