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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet