Ok, but like, how married are you?
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*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My work here is done