My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You Might Also Like
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.