Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
You Might Also Like
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
There’s no “us” in nachos.