Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
You Might Also Like
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
🤭😂
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Well, my evening plans are ruined
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.