[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.