I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right