Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all