God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
This is true.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
something like this could probably happen to anyone