I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.