Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
You Might Also Like
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.