My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
You Might Also Like
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*