If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions