So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Comparing yourself to others
Yup!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken