God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I hope Alan is OK
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.