Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?