Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Does beer think about me too?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I