ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.