How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.