Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.