Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You Might Also Like
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
thank god
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Dance like you’re not the father
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.