The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
You Might Also Like
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot